The Hard Reboot

chiaroscuro carrots

It has been hard, lately, to write. So much has been happening in every area of my life it has been hard to just stop for a moment, to breathe, to process it all. I feel like the bulk of my days have been spent simply reacting to everything going on around me, not thinking or feeling, just doing what needs to be done to get through.

It has been hard to write, to think about writing, to parse the words swimming around in my head, to quiet the cacophony. The cooking has been easy, standing at the counter chopping and mixing, standing at the stove stirring a pot, steam warming my face as the cats swirl around my ankles, feeding my husband, feeding myself. I’ve relied heavily on a simple roster of comforting fare, on soups, on pasta, on cheesy gratins, on a big pot of smoky chili we ate for days, with tender cornbread and good malty beer. The cooking is the one thing I’ve still had some control over, and I am so grateful for that. But words haven’t come so easily.

And in the rare quiet times over these last few weeks, I’ve been thinking about what’s next, what lies beyond the getting through, thinking about the hard reboot we’re planning. We’ve thrown the dart, we know what’s next, or at least where we want it to unfold, and though we took a major hit last week in our path to getting there, thinking of the promise of a clean slate, a fresh start, a much-needed do-over, has helped me to deal with the ugly realities of the now just a little bit better.

It has been hard to write, but I feel like I should, because so much is happening and so much of it sucks but the promise of what we’re working toward is thrilling, and I want to remember these times. I want to look back at all the times I said to Mike, “we’ll get through this, we always do,” and know that it’s the truth, because we have, and we did, and we will again, together. Our story is here on these pages, and although it has been hard, lately, to write, I owe it to us to keep doing so.

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15 thoughts on “The Hard Reboot

  1. I hear you. I’ve been feeling similarly lately. Some of it is oncoming winter depression, but most of it is feeling dissatisfied with the present and waiting and waiting for the future to finally become the present. The waiting and thinking is tortuous.

    I look forward to seeing what the future holds for you, Mike, and your kitties.

  2. Tine Kragh Nielsen says:

    Thank you for writing! I have been following your blog for a while (but too shy to comment!) and I enjoy reading all your posts and your beautiful photos! I just want to wish you good luck with your future adventures – and I hope it includes this blog 🙂

  3. Roberta Proctor says:

    So thoughtful of you to write a post and supply such lovely pictures, even during this time of challenge. Though I’m new to your blog, it’s already become a bit of a habit, and while I don’t really know what you’re speaking about in particular, I most certainly understand generally what you mean, and wish you all the best during this difficult time. Good wishes for strength, health, patience, and a new beginning.

  4. laura says:

    Welcome back. Being able to read you again is VERY welcome to me. Whatever you are fighting for, I wish you all the best. BIG hug.

  5. We’ve had a hard year over here, and with winter coming faster and faster, I can empathize with some of what you’re feeling.

    Hope it gets better for you soon and hoping that whatever you’re working towards falls into place better than you anticipated. 🙂

  6. Lynn says:

    Sitting here with fingers crossed hoping things turn out well for both of you….and that a good result for you two doesn’t mean that I’ll miss seeing you at the Hope St Market next summer!!!!

  7. Martha says:

    Just like there’s always a way in, there’s always a way out. Not an easy way, but a way. You have much love coming toward you, so take it. Feel it, and if you can’t, just know it.

  8. Samantha from Maine says:

    Thinking of you and sending you good wishes and big hugs. Keep your head up, look forward, and don’t give up hope.

  9. Don’t know exactly what you’re going through, where you’re planning on going, and what you’re planning on doing…but i wish you strength, health, peace, and happiness on your journey and on your arrival!

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